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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright

Every area of trouble gives out a ray of hope; and the one unchangeable certanity is that nothing is certain or unchangeable. - John F. Kennedy

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." - Steven Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? - George Carlin

China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there. - Charles De Gaulle, Former French President

All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike-and yet it is the most precious thing we have. - Albert Einstein

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." - Steven Wright

Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

A man needs a good memory after he has lied.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. - Theodore Roosevelt

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. - Steven Wright

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin

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