And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.

Did you know that 7/5 people don't know how to use fractions?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright

A harp is a nude piano.

All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike-and yet it is the most precious thing we have. -Albert Einstein

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright

The truth is out there...

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Don't give someone a piece of your mind unless you're ready to live with what's left.

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