I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
- Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. - Steven Wright
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness; no laziness; no procrastination; never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. - Lord Chesterfield
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. - George Carlin
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? - George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. - George Carlin
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. - George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. - George Carlin
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Steven Wright
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. - Dan Quayle
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. - George Carlin
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. - Steven Wright
If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? - George Carlin
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