There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. - Steven Wright
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. - A. A. Milne
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. - Douglas Adams
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." - Steven Wright
The more you say, the less people remember.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison
I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. - Casey Stengel
A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There's a tremendous amount of idiots who look so good. It's frightening. - Dean Cain
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. - George Carlin
The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
Just 'cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean that the circus has left town. - George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin
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