I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. - Steven Wright
Better to be square than to move in wrong circles.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. - Steven Wright
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. - Woody Allen
The easiest way to find something you've lost is to buy a replacement.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. - George Carlin
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him - Michael, 14 Advice from Kids
Above all else -- sky.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. - George Carlin
90% of everything is crud. The remainder is outright sh-t.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing... you're doing hard work. - George Carlin
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