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...I'm sorry, Reality is not in service at this time.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Alan Dundes
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. - George Carlin
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? - George Carlin
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- Steven Wright
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. - Dave Barry
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. - Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - Steven Wright
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded." - Steven Wright
43% of all statistics are worthless.
People are very open-minded about new things--as long as they're exactly like the old ones.
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