When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. - Steven Wright
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that you are constantly making new discoveries.
If television shows continue the way they're going, the public will soon be demanding longer commercials.
There is no spoon.
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. - George Carlin
It is better to know some of the questions and all the answers.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? - George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months". "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. - George Carlin
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottle of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. - George Carlin
You can't turn back the clock--But you can wind it up again.
Atheism is a non-profit organization. - George Carlin
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