I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! - Steven Wright
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. - Bill Vaughan
In the end, everything is a gag.
No brook is too little to seek the sea.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. - Steven Wright
Half the people you know are below average.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." - Steven Wright
43% of all statistics are worthless.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net. - Bob Dole
If at first you do succeed, hide your astonishment.
Atheism is a non-profit organization. - George Carlin
Just 'cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean that the circus has left town. - George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. - George Carlin
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