Think About It

...I'm sorry, Reality is not in service at this time.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Alan Dundes

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. - George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? - George Carlin

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. - Steven Wright

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. - Dave Barry

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. - Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." - Steven Wright

43% of all statistics are worthless.

People are very open-minded about new things--as long as they're exactly like the old ones.

- more quotes -