You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike-and yet it is the most precious thing we have. - Albert Einstein
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers (1879-1935)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs. - Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." - Steven Wright
It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? - Ronald Reagan
We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck . . . But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. - Ellen Goodman
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. - Dave Barry
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. - George Carlin
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas. - Keppel Enderbery
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
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