People are very open-minded about new things--as long as they're exactly like the old ones.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" - Steven Wright
Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage. - Evan Esar
It's never just a game when you're winning. - George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. - George Carlin
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. - Steven Wright
It's not only quiet people who don't say much.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? - George Carlin
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." - George Carlin
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. - Charles Wadsworth
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. - Ashleigh Brilliant
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. - Emo philips
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright
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