To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright
Every area of trouble gives out a ray of hope; and the one unchangeable certanity is that nothing is certain or unchangeable. - John F. Kennedy
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." - Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? - George Carlin
China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there. - Charles De Gaulle, Former French President
All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike-and yet it is the most precious thing we have. - Albert Einstein
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." - Steven Wright
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
A man needs a good memory after he has lied.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. - Theodore Roosevelt
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
- Steven Wright
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin
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