90% of everything is crud. The remainder is outright sh-t.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. - Steven Wright
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? - George Carlin
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... - Steven Wright
If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? - George Carlin
Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car". - George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept. - George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. - Charles Wadsworth
If the grass is greener in the other fellows yard, let him worry about cutting it.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
- Steven Wright
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. - George Carlin
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. - Steven Wright
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. - George Carlin
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