Quotes

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.

We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And some people still wonder why some are afraid when they are told they are loved

It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.

We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.

A pessimist is never disappointed.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.