Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Atheism is a non-profit organization.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Comedy is not pretty.

Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt

Be so good they can’t ignore you.