I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
Steven Wright (b. 1955)
Do not iron while wearing shirt.
Warning label, on a vanishing-ink fabric marker
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
Unknown
A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion.
Robert Chapman
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright (b. 1955)
Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914), The Devil’s Dictionary
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, some is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity.'"
George Carlin (1937–2008)
A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
Unknown
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra (1925–2015)
It’s déjà vu all over again.
Yogi Berra (1925–2015)
They misunderestimated me.
George W. Bush (b. 1946)
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Billy Connolly (b. 1942)
I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes
The most important ability is availability.
Unknown
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottle of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
