"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." - Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. - Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. - Steven Wright
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. - Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
- Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. - Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" - Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
- Steven Wright
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