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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." - Steven Wright

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good. - Steven Wright

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

There's never a new fashion but it's old. -Geoffrey Chaucer

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. - George Carlin

There is no spoon.

Revenge is a dish that should be eaten cold. - Anonymous (English proverb)

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. - A. A. Milne

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. - Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. - Steven Wright

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Bernard Baruch

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