Conquer thyself, till thou has done this, thou art but a slave; for it is almost as well to be subjected to another's appetite as to thine own. - Sir Richard Francis Burton
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. - Steven Wright
I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version. - Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. - Dave Barry
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
- Steven Wright
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottle of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. - George Carlin
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. - Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. - Oscar Wlide
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? - George Carlin
It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful - Anton Szandor LaVey
By all means, let's not confuse ourselves with the facts!
Would a fly without wings be called a walk? - George Carlin
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. - Steven Wright
The only disability in life is a bad attitude. -Scott Hamilton
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