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I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright

People with coughs don't go to the doctor-- They go to the concert.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. - George Carlin

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. -- Steven Wright

The more you say, the less people remember.

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Better to be square than to move in wrong circles.

A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion. -Robert Chapman

One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?' - Student Bloopers

For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright

Be more prompt to go to a friend in adversity than in prosperity. -Chilo

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

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