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I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. - Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." - Steven Wright

It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem. - G. K. Chesterton, Scandal of Father Brown (1935)

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. - Oscar Wlide

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. - George Carlin

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. - George Carlin

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. - Dalai Lama

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. - Bryan White

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. - Steven Wright

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Bernard Baruch

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." - Steven Wright

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

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