The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
- Steven Wright
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. - Maurice Chevalier
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded." - Steven Wright
Fighting terrorism is like being a goalkeeper. You can make a hundred brilliant saves but the only shot that people remember is the one that gets past you. - Paul Wilkinson
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. - George Carlin
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? - George Carlin
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" - Steven Wright
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. - George Carlin
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row." - Steven Wright
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. - G. K. Chesterton
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