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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. - Martin Luther, Jr. King

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness; no laziness; no procrastination; never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. - Lord Chesterfield

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. - Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. - Steven Wright

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. - George Carlin

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? - Ronald Reagan

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. - G. K. Chesterton

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." - Steven Wright

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. - George Carlin

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before someone else wants to.

Happiness is nothing more than health and a poor memory.

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