My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. - Steven Wright
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" - Steven Wright
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Alan Dundes
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." - Steven Wright
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. - G. K. Chesterton
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. - Steven Wright
I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents. - George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. - Lao Tsu
We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck . . . But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. - Ellen Goodman
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend. I didn't bother with him. - George Carlin
A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There's a tremendous amount of idiots who look so good. It's frightening. - Dean Cain
Better to be square than to move in wrong circles.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. - George Carlin
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. - George Carlin
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