In the end, everything is a gag.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. - Bertrand Russell
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- Steven Wright
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! - Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
- Steven Wright
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
The trouble with car payments is that they sometimes continue running after the car does.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? - George Carlin
If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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