Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. - Douglas Adams
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. - Steven Wright
Just 'cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean that the circus has left town. - George Carlin
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Alan Dundes
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. - George Carlin
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, some is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity.'" - George Carlin
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. - Steven Wright
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it. - George Carlin
I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin
Happiness is nothing more than health and a poor memory.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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