Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. - Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." - Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." - Steven Wright
The road of good intentions is paved with Hell. - Spencer Ante
Tact is the ability to close your mouth before someone else wants to.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson
Marriage is made in heaven--so is thunder and lightning.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- Steven Wright
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. - George Carlin
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
- Steven Wright
China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there. - Charles De Gaulle, Former French President
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. - Steven Wright
Good luck is often with the man who doesn't include it in his plans. - Anonymous
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out. - Steven Wright
Talk is cheap, until you talk to a lawyer.
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