I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright
People with coughs don't go to the doctor-- They go to the concert.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. - George Carlin
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- Steven Wright
The more you say, the less people remember.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Better to be square than to move in wrong circles.
A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion. -Robert Chapman
One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?' - Student Bloopers
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright
Be more prompt to go to a friend in adversity than in prosperity. -Chilo
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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