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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. - Steven Wright

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. - Steven Wright

You know what's interesting about Washington? It's the kind of place where second-guessing has become second nature. - George W Bush

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. - Steven Wright

*Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. - Batman Costume warning label

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. - Martin Luther, Jr. King

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. - Steven Wright

Did you know that 7/5 people don't know how to use fractions?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. - Steven Wright

An optimist is a person who sticks on the stamp before addressing the envelope.

It is better to know some of the questions and all the answers.

One-third of the people in this country promote, while the other two-thirds provide.

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