You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
- Steven Wright
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure.
All the world's a stage, but most of us are stagehands.
Is there another word for synonym?
The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone. - Orison Swett Marden
A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion. - Robert Chapman
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept. - George Carlin
We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck . . . But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. - Ellen Goodman
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. - George Carlin
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work. - George Carlin
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? - George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem - George Carlin
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