I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." - Steven Wright
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. - George Carlin
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. - George Carlin
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. - Abraham Lincoln
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. - George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. - George Carlin
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. - Steven Wright
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. - George Carlin
Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing... you're doing hard work. - George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work. - George Carlin
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -Mark Twain
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row." - Steven Wright
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
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